


Love for Humanity

by Hold_My_Headphones



Category: Julie and The Phantoms (TV 2020)
Genre: Alex Mercer Has Anxiety (Julie and the Phantoms), Alex Mercer Has Bad Parents (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex Mercer's Parents Are Homophobic (Julie and The Phantoms), Angst, Author Projecting onto Alex Mercer (Julie and The Phantoms), Character Study, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Gratuitous References to Crosses and their Symbolism, Internalized Homophobia, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, M/M, Panic Attacks, Religious Conflict, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-25
Updated: 2021-02-25
Packaged: 2021-03-16 13:14:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,765
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29701092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hold_My_Headphones/pseuds/Hold_My_Headphones
Summary: Alex dies, and that should be the end, but it's barely the beginning.They wake up in a dark room.Alex knows exactly what happened, where they are.They're in Hell, and it's his fault.
Relationships: Alex Mercer & Julie Molina, Alex Mercer & Luke Patterson & Reggie Peters (Julie and The Phantoms), Alex Mercer/Willie (Julie and The Phantoms)
Comments: 7
Kudos: 89





	Love for Humanity

**Author's Note:**

> The cross on Alex's suit in Stand Tall killed me and I simply had to write something about it  
> anyways I'm religious, but not Christian. I have grown up with the god-hates-you-if-you're-gay rhetoric, but I am still completely closeted. I've done my best to portray Alex's religious trauma, the way mine sort of went. (long story short: hate(d) myself, didn't pray for a year because panic attacks every time etc etc, *yay*)  
> all that aside, internalised homophobia is a real bitch, i LOVE projecting onto my comfort characters (yes reggie is probably coming next what about it) and ENJOY my darlings

They wake up in a dark room.

Alex knows exactly what happened, where they are.

The tears come before he can even register them, sorrow and regret burning holes in his chest like a raging fire.

He chokes out broken " _Sorrys"_ through his gasps and tries to explain that he _didn't mean to, how it's his fault_ that they're here. How he's a _sinner,_ how they're in Hell, how he _brought Reggie and Luke with him._

He cries as the sobs wrack his body, and he tries to stop, but he _doesn't know what will happen next._ He doesn't know how _badly he’s damned Reggie and Luke._ And _probably Bobby too._

The panic grasps onto his lungs, pulls them tightly shut and closes his airways; it sucks his rational thoughts leaves them with a desire to _die._ Vaguely he thinks, _already done that, look how that worked ozut._ Reggie's hand on his arm and Luke's gripping Alex tightly, but the only coherent thing Alex can think is, " _this is Hell, and it's my fault, and I'm going to face the consequences of my actions, and I've dragged my best friends down with me"._

****

The girl holds a cross at him, and he thinks briefly, in a moment of panic, _maybe she's an angel._ Then he looks down and sees that she's wearing fluffy yellow slippers and thinks, _scratch that._

She screams, tries to repel them away with a cross. He wants to say, _that's not going to work; trust me, people have tried, my own mother tried._ Instead, he reflexively jumps back, remembering how his own religion was twisted in the hands of his parents to a noose tied around his neck to choke him till he gasped for mercy. He remembers how he was all of fifteen and laughing in school, and he tried to say _"_ oh, thank God", but instead, he stops two words in because he _can't_ thank _God when God should love all, but God doesn't love him_.

Anyways, the girl calms down, Alex does not. Instead, the stream of thoughts turns into a flood, breaking damns and destroying cities. He doesn't _understand._ They were in Hell; they _had_ to be in Hell. But now there's a girl who's Mom died, and the band is coming back, and Alex is waiting, _waiting, waiting_ for someone to come down and tell him, "No, sorry, there's been a filing mistake." And lead him down to the department of Hell saved specifically for sinners like him, the one his mother used to tell him bedtime stories about. The ones that stopped being bedtime stories but began to leak into his nightmares by the time he grew up.

He wonders why Hell was taking so long to collect him, how big the filing error must have been, if heaven could even have filing errors, or was everything just stored in a cosmic ball of holiness that was like the iCloud of heaven?

He waits, and he waits. And something happens, but it's not Hell. It's the opposite

****

It's a boy. His name is Willie. He holds Alex's hand like it's no big deal, and he breaks rules and wears a helmet even though he's dead; he pranks police officers and screams in museums. Still, at the same time, he knows how to deal with it when Alex freaks out (apparently it's called a panic attack, and Alex might have anxiety?).

He tells Alex about breathing techniques, and when Alex says, "Why would I need to breathe, I'm a ghost.", Willie laughs. He laughs and tips his head back to show off one pierced ear and cheekbones that Alex wants to stroke, but then Alex remembers that he can't do _this_. How he can't do this because he's died and gone to a place that might be Hell, but he got a second chance, and now he's ruining it by sinning _again._

But how can this be a sin? How can something so true, so pure, be a sin. How can something involving Willie be a sin, Willie, who laughs and skates around and plays pranks like a kid? How can loving Willie be a sin?

How can loving Willie be a sin while the only other option is to lie his life away under a veil of pretences and have a hidden existence where he wants to scratch his skin from inside out.

Alex screams in a museum, but he's actually screaming to the sky.

He thinks: _God, you were meant to love everyone, but you don't love me._

_****_

Reggie attempts to find his parent’s, Luke _does_ find his. Alex means to ask Julie to find his, but every time he tries, the words dry up on his tongue and leave him gasping for breath.

_****_

Alex learns about new technology; he confuses himself over texts, GIFS and some sort of online scrapbooking tool called _Instagram._

He asks Willie questions about the afterlife and pesters Luke about his startlingly obvious crush on Julie.

He finds himself so incredibly jealous of Reggie of the way he effortlessly vies or the attention of girl, the way he grins when he gets it.

He wants what Luke has, how Luke is attracted to Julie in a way that’s so similar to how Alex likes Willie but is so _different_ because what Luke feels is right and what Alex feels is wrong.

He asks the sky, _why could I be like them? Why am I a ghost? What is your plan with me?_

But most of the time, he asks: _God, you were meant to love everyone, so why don't you love me?_

_****_

Then, Caleb happens. And Orpheum happens. Then it finishes, they don't cross over, and Alex is somewhere glad that he hasn't because his heart hammers at the thought of what may be at the other side. Of eternal flames and torture and repentance.

He used to think that when he went to Hell, he would deserve it, that it was his penance.

Now he doesn't think he needs to be sorry because there's nothing wrong with what he is doing. That he loves who he loves, and he has never hurt anyone (apart from the time he accidentally pushed Reggie over in grade school and cried more than Reggie did even though Reggie was the one with the grazed knees because he felt so _guilty)_.

Then he looks down. And he sees the pin on his suit, which is ironically pink (" _Pink is a girls colour, Alex, people will think you're a fag, son")._ He sees a pin positioned right over his heart, stabbing into his heart, stuck to him like the film of guilt he will never be able to get rid of, and it's a cross. It's like the cross that used to be settled on the gold chain around his neck, like the cross his father forced into his palm and like the crosses, he remembers so many other gay boys chucking in the bin like they were nothing more than garbage.

He sees a cross just like the collection of the ones he has settled at the bottom of his fanny pack because he could never bring himself to bin it since it felt like betrayal because even though God hates him, he still finds God's name settled on his tongue, lurking in the back of his throat, sitting in his brain.

He sees the cross pinned to the pink lapel of his blazer and wills his shaking hands to pull it off, but he tells himself that all the electric shocks have made him too weak, so there's no point in trying to do anything now, but he _knows_ that's not the truth. He knows he could rip it off if he wanted to, but he also knows that it will end up joining the rest that he keeps hidden in the innermost pocket of his fanny pack.

The ones he can never bring himself to wear but the ones he knows he will never be able to get rid of.

His mother used to tell him, "You should be proud to wear your cross because it's a sign of your love for God, and more importantly, it's a sign of God's love for humanity."

_But if God loves humanity, why doesn't he love Alex?_

Alex would probably have spent more time ruminating about the complexities of God's love for him _("it's not that complex, God's meant to love you, but instead he hates you", his traitorous mind whispers),_ but Julie interrupts his inner turmoil my entering the garage.

And Alex had _told_ his idiots of friends that she'd do that, that Julie was sentimental and loving and perfect, and she would never be so blinded by her own success that she would forget them. But they didn't listen to him _(No one had listened to him, not when he sobbed that it wasn't his fault he liked boys, or when he had begged his mother not to send him to another "Pray the Gay Away" lectures, as Luke had somberly called them)._

Then Julie is solid, Julie is real, and there's a glowing, and they're hugging, and Alex _really likes this._ He feels like he could fall asleep right there and then and slip into this peace. The marks slip of him painlessly as they embrace.

They're not dying _. They still exist._ And Alex thinks, _fuck what my parents said._

_Maybe God does love me, and if he doesn't, fuck that._

So, that night, when they all curl up on the couch and talk about nothing in particular, Alex opens his mouth and begins to speak.

He starts with, "I need to find Willie." And Julie looks at him understandingly, coming up to hug him, and whispers in his ear, "I used to have a crush on Flynn.", and _winks_ at him.

Alex winks back.

****

Alex finds Willie sitting desolately on the roof of a building.

He snorts, "Ever the one for theatrics, aren't you, Speed Bump." The nickname was Julie's idea, late one night, when they were curled up on the couch as Alex learned to share a little more of himself piece by piece.

Willie turns around, Alex's name forming on his lips. There's a moment of ethereal silence that hangs in between them, and the Willie flies into his arms, both of them crashing downwards onto soft grass.

Alex takes Willie's face into his hands and says, "I really, really, like you."

And it sounds like a prayer when Willie tells him, "I really, really like you too."

**Author's Note:**

> KUDOS, COMMENT, LIGHT UP MY DAY, YOU KNOW THE REST BY HEART!  
> KUDOS, KUDOS IF IT'S AA-AALL YOU DOO  
> COMMENT, COMMENT IF YOU WANT TOO-OOO-OOO


End file.
